Hi, I’m Henrik Joreteg

Mobile web consultant, developer, and speaker

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a tech industry conversation


What follows is an actual SMS conversation I had this evening with Marc Grabanski (with only a few minor edits).


Marc

Now we can finally write GWT natively and get the performance

Henrik

Greater Web Together™. It’s finally living up to its name.

Marc

RxJS is basically making Objective C into Swift that runs in the browser it’s great

Imagine a bootstrap that runs Ruby – mind blowing npm packages made easy

Install them all with a single gulp request – everything HTTP2 is faster than Python in web storm

Never again will we need flash!

Henrik

I heard they’re replacing event emitter in node with event machine.

Marc

Thanks to Dart VM

WebGL is like WebRTC running through twisted – I mean how else are we going to take ES 2016 to the next level?

Henrik

Yeah, Dart is the VM that will change the world of evented ColdFusion in a way Flash arduinos never could.

Marc

Simple.

Henrik

It’s like raspberry pi but with websocket support out of the box. Without the ant build configs.

Marc

Oh holy crap ya arduinos are going to change the DEV tools like crazy! Makes them run multi lingual APIs under water.

Henrik

Meteor is all over that shit

totes

I couldn’t believe it, they’re inlining react code natively now too.

Marc

Well meteor makes it easy to steal lots of credit cards with elastic search based WebKit.

Henrik

Yeah, but even if you skip meteor I can emulate that with a compromised JSON.stringify method in like 4 nanoseconds.

Just open devtools on the devtools in chrome and run mini mongo and its like getting root at the pentagon. But totally realtime.

Marc

Exactly

Buy that stuff with TOR coins

Henrik

That’s why I only use tor on cat3 cables

Marc

Lol TOR exactly

Never in wifi or else you get massive Unit Tests

Henrik

It’s like Silk Road without all the guppies. It’s the rebirth of 1337 all over

Marc

Never want to unit test your wifi on Android or else you get super cooled byte code

Henrik

Just run it on OpenSauce. Then turn their test machines into a new self-spawning botnet

Game over

Marc

Game overs 😎

Henrik

Some Russian hacker did that. I think she was 3 at the time.

Marc

Thrash was her name

Henrik

😆

Marc

Very good at writing killer Visual Basic

I’ve never seen VB look so much like Cobal in my life wow

Henrik

Yeah the hackathon didn’t know what hit it.

Heard she wrote it in binary first then wrote some source code as documentation.

Marc

Amazing stuff. could crack a DOM API wide open and turn it into Luna

Henrik

The GPU nearly caught fire too.

Marc

GPU was storing way too much SQL though

Henrik

Luna!?! Oh shit. You didn’t just say that in a text? The Facebook ex-something is totally in Asana getting notifications of these texts right now.

Marc

Replicated recursive functions across Ruby shards

Never before have I seen so many manifest files

Henrik

I totally base64 and dynamically salt my SQL before it goes into the GPU. That way it’s thread safe.

Marc

Had to compile Ubuntu into Postgres

Henrik

Most people only do it before its stores on SSDs with Flux

True, that’s a must

Marc

Bash files all over Redux it was a mess

Henrik

Cloudfront deals with that for me though

Marc

Nice

Henrik

Keeps it DRY, ya know?!

Marc

I keep VIM DRY as possible

Henrik

Yeah, also helps if you keep your JSON object oriented. Gang of Four FTW

Marc

58 key commands Into the module pattern

Henrik

I wrote that book

Marc

Only two people with 10 years of living on the web could possibly hack this event loop

Henrik

that’s brave in a world of GIF streaming and dynamic favicons

Marc

Living on the web writing NES emulators that is

Henrik

only if they’re embedding linux

how else would you control all those drones?

use proto buffers?!

raf loops! good call

Marc

No way

Did you write the book in Go?

I hear Go is like cucumber tests

Henrik

Well it was based on open source encryption, so it was partially written. Then npm said they’re going public, which ruined those tests. …and my book with ‘em

Marc

YC doesn’t like when you write their books in Go

Henrik

I did a series D first, so they didn’t mind

Plus, I take dogecoin

So it works out

Marc

Oh wow I’ve never had a series D

I’m only on my 5th SSH tunnel

Henrik

Well you already made yours, if you know what I mean.

Remember BOSH?!?

Marc

Is that like caniuse ?

Henrik

Kinda, yeah. I installed a Tesla house battery as a backup for my Triple RAIDed thumb drives.

Problem? Solved.

Bam!

Marc

Wow!

You must be printing horse js coins like crazy

Henrik

I don’t wanna brag. But I’m like notch, but I bought a real house.

Marc

The internet of things

Of things you buy with apply pay

Henrik

I hired Snoop Dogg to help me install the 3D printed travertine floor tiles.

Of course purchased with Apple Pay

Marc

Awesome was the 3D printer on spotify?

I hear there is a SaaS z-index you can lookup on MDN

Henrik

Rdio, but it used flash for a while so, that faded

You just have to use Basic auth and then change the font color so it no longer blends with the background.

Marc

Did you make a DSL for that?

Henrik

Naw, but i run a grease monkey script though. Then you don’t have to think about it.

Marc

It just connects with Bluetooth getUserMedia, I see

Henrik

I metaprogrammed the grease monkey script while deploying chaos monkey on Google+ data centers.

Yeah

Marc

That must have been crazy

Henrik

It was a bit wild, but I was asleep when I wrote it

Marc

No one ever knew that jQuery had a method to detect heartbeat from a Perl script

Henrik

I know!! It’s right there!!

Uber uses it

I’m gonna go run a speed test on my gigabit apple car.

Marc

You can see the data in your apple health app it’s all built on CLI algorithms

Henrik

True, it’ll be keynoted tomorrow anyway.

Marc

XML RPC is the rage

Henrik

Especially on Google Glass

It’s like FirePhone but cooler

Marc

Ya but the Apple TV is so far ahead because it’s on Firebase

Twilio never saw Native script coming

Henrik

I heard rumors from watching Silicon Valley that they’re thinking about switching to Parse, because of Native Script in Typescript

Just be sure to run it in strict mode or it’s like http 1.0 all over again.

Marc

Ya that’s a real problem with cyclomatic complexity in your semi colons

Henrik

yup, I was getting teapotted with 418s all day before I switched to semi-standard

Just add a grunt task though.

But only if you’re on bower

Marc

No kidding

I always though nHibrinate was the solution for katas

Henrik

I think you’re right

Saw that on my kanban

Marc

On run keeper?

I prefer basecamp over fresh books

Henrik

I use SPF records whenever I run though.

I have sensitive skin according to my apple watch

Marc

Oh ya the A records really helps when you call a Lyft to get your AirBNB

Henrik

Just point a CNAME to gh-pages first, but I totally agree

Jobs and Woz used to always talk about that.

Marc

Are those thread safe VR goggles going to crash google hangouts?

Henrik

No one listened though, they were so far ahead like Alan Kay, but with the Newton.

Marc

Elixir is kind of like gigabit 4G through Fiddler

Henrik

I think they might, they’re bastardizing the WebRTC peer connections to stream Internet to the Loon project.

It’s so non-standard

Marc

Oh ya like Ionic framework’s ACID test

Henrik

That was a game changer.

Just like apple’s ear pods

I ran those natively!

Marc

I TDD my beats headphones natively ya - for performance of course

Henrik

Yeah, it’d be like doing BDD if you didn’t. This isn’t English! It’s programming!!

I’m gonna reimplement web components for telnet

But without HTML imports, of course

Marc

Make sure you use component JS on Octopress because otherwise people will steal your SSH keys

Henrik

With no babel though

Or else you’ll get ES2014

Marc

VPN into webpack first

Henrik

IT’S SO EASY TO DO THIS. I COULD WRITE THESE FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT! it’s unbelievable.

Marc

Run a kickstarter for it!

Henrik

Kerberos auth to kickstarter, but I’ll find my kickstarter video through an incubator I just funded on indiegogo.

Marc

Build a rapid prototype protocol

Henrik

I might just use DDP

Marc

Into CouchDB

Henrik

or… UDP!

I just need about half the packet-loss and I’ll get funded.

That’s what Theil told me

Marc

I hear UDP handshakes better than SSL through a CDN

Henrik

Good point

yahoo wants in too.

They killed Pipes!

Marc

Just like Google killed reader

Henrik

Beacon API is always better for calling home with. Otherwise AWS never gets the event data

“OK Google” amirite?!?

Marc

Isn’t that GraphQL Siri on a XSS CORS call?

Henrik

Think so. But use movable type

Or it KILLS your wifi

Marc

Movable type is built on Functional reactive Pure Script so it’s pretty much Ghost

Henrik

With JSP templates, but yeah.

LaTeX is just better anyway

Especially if you use D3 to render it

Marc

Like a mongo elastic search!

Henrik

I think I’d run that as a docker container

Marc

On a Hadoop prerendered iframe

Henrik

But behind nginx

Marc

Never before have I seen so many processors running varnish

Henrik

Deploy it with ServiceWorker though. Or you may violate the CSP.

Unless it’s MIT licensed.

Varnish is great.

Marc

They were spinning up so many Apache instances that the load balancers couldn’t stand it except for in Google Gears running in Unity

Henrik

I just wrote an Object tag yesterday that did that but using Iced CoffeeScript so Eich would digg it on HN.

He re-tweeted me on pownce the other day.

Marc

Distributed go pros are all the stack overflow credit

Henrik

Stream it with EventSource

It’s way more reliable that flash media server

Marc

Git tipped on underscore

Henrik

Don’t go all TechCrunch Disrupt on me.

Marc

Crockford and Eich designed it though

Henrik

Crowd funded hackathons?

Marc

Together as friends

Henrik

I didn’t know that

Marc

Best friends

Henrik

Crock once shipped an MS Word format for fill able PDFs

Marc

He wouldn’t apologize on his controversial white space views so they canned him in a string literal

Henrik

Was on a plane with him coming back from FunConf. He told me all about it.

Marc

He was coerced into it

+{} style

Henrik

He was not happy to see so many O'Reilly authors getting slash dotted for Angular directives.

It’s just F# anyway, right?

Plus some syntactic sugar.

Marc

Ya but clearly Microsoft wanted to use SQLlite but they shipped CSVs anyways – Easier to web inspect

Henrik

View source for evah!

Marc

Source maps is supposed to solve our code climate CommonJS modules right?

Henrik

Do they use the ADB debugging protocol for blackberry 10s browser?

Yup

Marc

Only if you browser sniff

Henrik

Works great on new relic

Just orchestrate your code by using esprima to re-write your Python

Marc

Feature test the SASS components

Henrik

That’s what django does.

Works like Mocha

(Oh man, this is the most texts I’ve sent since I first got my Nest)

Marc

Lol well cappuccino tests objectiveJ In Ember so I’m not surprised you can’t Ajax more post messages

60fps for life butter smooth requestAnimationFrame Safaris

Exactly proto is accessible on every SVG viewport

Henrik

yeah, i always extract it with restructuring assignments on my closures

Marc

Inheritance call the super method on that ES6 lodash

Henrik

ship it!

Marc

Deploy to heroku via Dropbox with a static site generating PDF

Henrik

meme-generators built with semver’ed APNGs, now that smells like a nice unicode character map

anti-aliasing always makes it look better though

that’s why i use typescript to download my web fonts progressively enhancing my UX for my users on gameboy DXes.

Marc

That’s why progressive JPGs work so well!

Henrik

that was their Promise, if you will.

but they rarely resolve at all

and they swallow errors like hapi.js when it was using domains!

Marc

Observable generators

Henrik

Object.observe(redis) I always say

or use Mutation Observers

Marc

Built with linked list dust templates

Henrik

yeah, then you can stream ‘em

works ok with SPDY but not HTTP2

subtle but important differences in frame rates if you’re on lie-fi

Marc

Lol

Henrik

i think that’s !important

oh man, i’m fading like a bad jQuery animation

good thing it has a chainable syntax

Marc

Only if you transition the cubic bezier the GsAP 3dmatrix

Henrik

translateZ hacks will help too

Marc

Just return monads

Henrik

object literal monads

textmate 2 for windows

Marc

Never use Symbols through in your Unicode

Henrik

well, yeah, but Symbol.iterator makes more sense to attach as a primitive value if you’re using something like Cocoa

Marc

My battery is going to die before we finish this lol

Henrik

i’m convinced we could do this for days, we’ve already done it for about an hour longer than i expected to, lol.

good night my friend, i’ve got a plane to catch at an ungodly hour tomorrow 😊

Marc

Dependency inject your dreams

Sorry had to do it…


So Marc Grabanski invited me to come teach a workshop the last two days for his company Frontend Masters in Minnesota.

Yesterday after the workshop we were chatting about how ridiculous tech terminology has become, and frankly, just the sheer volume of it. We jokingly had a short, seemingly plausible conversations that actually make no sense. The above was a continuation of that. This industry is commically jargony.

Follow @1marc and @HenrikJoreteg on the twitters for potentially more random nonsense, but no gurantees.