a tech industry conversation
What follows is an actual SMS conversation I had this evening with Marc Grabanski (with only a few minor edits).
Marc
Now we can finally write GWT natively and get the performance
Henrik
Greater Web Together™. It’s finally living up to its name.
Marc
RxJS is basically making Objective C into Swift that runs in the browser it’s great
Imagine a bootstrap that runs Ruby – mind blowing npm packages made easy
Install them all with a single gulp request – everything HTTP2 is faster than Python in web storm
Never again will we need flash!
Henrik
I heard they’re replacing event emitter in node with event machine.
Marc
Thanks to Dart VM
WebGL is like WebRTC running through twisted – I mean how else are we going to take ES 2016 to the next level?
Henrik
Yeah, Dart is the VM that will change the world of evented ColdFusion in a way Flash arduinos never could.
Marc
Simple.
Henrik
It’s like raspberry pi but with websocket support out of the box. Without the ant build configs.
Marc
Oh holy crap ya arduinos are going to change the DEV tools like crazy! Makes them run multi lingual APIs under water.
Henrik
Meteor is all over that shit
totes
I couldn’t believe it, they’re inlining react code natively now too.
Marc
Well meteor makes it easy to steal lots of credit cards with elastic search based WebKit.
Henrik
Yeah, but even if you skip meteor I can emulate that with a compromised JSON.stringify method in like 4 nanoseconds.
Just open devtools on the devtools in chrome and run mini mongo and its like getting root at the pentagon. But totally realtime.
Marc
Exactly
Buy that stuff with TOR coins
Henrik
That’s why I only use tor on cat3 cables
Marc
Lol TOR exactly
Never in wifi or else you get massive Unit Tests
Henrik
It’s like Silk Road without all the guppies. It’s the rebirth of 1337 all over
Marc
Never want to unit test your wifi on Android or else you get super cooled byte code
Henrik
Just run it on OpenSauce. Then turn their test machines into a new self-spawning botnet
Game over
Marc
Game overs 😎
Henrik
Some Russian hacker did that. I think she was 3 at the time.
Marc
Thrash was her name
Henrik
😆
Marc
Very good at writing killer Visual Basic
I’ve never seen VB look so much like Cobal in my life wow
Henrik
Yeah the hackathon didn’t know what hit it.
Heard she wrote it in binary first then wrote some source code as documentation.
Marc
Amazing stuff. could crack a DOM API wide open and turn it into Luna
Henrik
The GPU nearly caught fire too.
Marc
GPU was storing way too much SQL though
Henrik
Luna!?! Oh shit. You didn’t just say that in a text? The Facebook ex-something is totally in Asana getting notifications of these texts right now.
Marc
Replicated recursive functions across Ruby shards
Never before have I seen so many manifest files
Henrik
I totally base64 and dynamically salt my SQL before it goes into the GPU. That way it’s thread safe.
Marc
Had to compile Ubuntu into Postgres
Henrik
Most people only do it before its stores on SSDs with Flux
True, that’s a must
Marc
Bash files all over Redux it was a mess
Henrik
Cloudfront deals with that for me though
Marc
Nice
Henrik
Keeps it DRY, ya know?!
Marc
I keep VIM DRY as possible
Henrik
Yeah, also helps if you keep your JSON object oriented. Gang of Four FTW
Marc
58 key commands Into the module pattern
Henrik
I wrote that book
Marc
Only two people with 10 years of living on the web could possibly hack this event loop
Henrik
that’s brave in a world of GIF streaming and dynamic favicons
Marc
Living on the web writing NES emulators that is
Henrik
only if they’re embedding linux
how else would you control all those drones?
use proto buffers?!
raf loops! good call
Marc
No way
Did you write the book in Go?
I hear Go is like cucumber tests
Henrik
Well it was based on open source encryption, so it was partially written. Then npm said they’re going public, which ruined those tests. …and my book with ‘em
Marc
YC doesn’t like when you write their books in Go
Henrik
I did a series D first, so they didn’t mind
Plus, I take dogecoin
So it works out
Marc
Oh wow I’ve never had a series D
I’m only on my 5th SSH tunnel
Henrik
Well you already made yours, if you know what I mean.
Remember BOSH?!?
Marc
Is that like caniuse ?
Henrik
Kinda, yeah. I installed a Tesla house battery as a backup for my Triple RAIDed thumb drives.
Problem? Solved.
Bam!
Marc
Wow!
You must be printing horse js coins like crazy
Henrik
I don’t wanna brag. But I’m like notch, but I bought a real house.
Marc
The internet of things
Of things you buy with apply pay
Henrik
I hired Snoop Dogg to help me install the 3D printed travertine floor tiles.
Of course purchased with Apple Pay
Marc
Awesome was the 3D printer on spotify?
I hear there is a SaaS z-index you can lookup on MDN
Henrik
Rdio, but it used flash for a while so, that faded
You just have to use Basic auth and then change the font color so it no longer blends with the background.
Marc
Did you make a DSL for that?
Henrik
Naw, but i run a grease monkey script though. Then you don’t have to think about it.
Marc
It just connects with Bluetooth getUserMedia, I see
Henrik
I metaprogrammed the grease monkey script while deploying chaos monkey on Google+ data centers.
Yeah
Marc
That must have been crazy
Henrik
It was a bit wild, but I was asleep when I wrote it
Marc
No one ever knew that jQuery had a method to detect heartbeat from a Perl script
Henrik
I know!! It’s right there!!
Uber uses it
I’m gonna go run a speed test on my gigabit apple car.
Marc
You can see the data in your apple health app it’s all built on CLI algorithms
Henrik
True, it’ll be keynoted tomorrow anyway.
Marc
XML RPC is the rage
Henrik
Especially on Google Glass
It’s like FirePhone but cooler
Marc
Ya but the Apple TV is so far ahead because it’s on Firebase
Twilio never saw Native script coming
Henrik
I heard rumors from watching Silicon Valley that they’re thinking about switching to Parse, because of Native Script in Typescript
Just be sure to run it in strict mode or it’s like http 1.0 all over again.
Marc
Ya that’s a real problem with cyclomatic complexity in your semi colons
Henrik
yup, I was getting teapotted with 418s all day before I switched to semi-standard
Just add a grunt task though.
But only if you’re on bower
Marc
No kidding
I always though nHibrinate was the solution for katas
Henrik
I think you’re right
Saw that on my kanban
Marc
On run keeper?
I prefer basecamp over fresh books
Henrik
I use SPF records whenever I run though.
I have sensitive skin according to my apple watch
Marc
Oh ya the A records really helps when you call a Lyft to get your AirBNB
Henrik
Just point a CNAME to gh-pages first, but I totally agree
Jobs and Woz used to always talk about that.
Marc
Are those thread safe VR goggles going to crash google hangouts?
Henrik
No one listened though, they were so far ahead like Alan Kay, but with the Newton.
Marc
Elixir is kind of like gigabit 4G through Fiddler
Henrik
I think they might, they’re bastardizing the WebRTC peer connections to stream Internet to the Loon project.
It’s so non-standard
Marc
Oh ya like Ionic framework’s ACID test
Henrik
That was a game changer.
Just like apple’s ear pods
I ran those natively!
Marc
I TDD my beats headphones natively ya - for performance of course
Henrik
Yeah, it’d be like doing BDD if you didn’t. This isn’t English! It’s programming!!
I’m gonna reimplement web components for telnet
But without HTML imports, of course
Marc
Make sure you use component JS on Octopress because otherwise people will steal your SSH keys
Henrik
With no babel though
Or else you’ll get ES2014
Marc
VPN into webpack first
Henrik
IT’S SO EASY TO DO THIS. I COULD WRITE THESE FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT! it’s unbelievable.
Marc
Run a kickstarter for it!
Henrik
Kerberos auth to kickstarter, but I’ll find my kickstarter video through an incubator I just funded on indiegogo.
Marc
Build a rapid prototype protocol
Henrik
I might just use DDP
Marc
Into CouchDB
Henrik
or… UDP!
I just need about half the packet-loss and I’ll get funded.
That’s what Theil told me
Marc
I hear UDP handshakes better than SSL through a CDN
Henrik
Good point
yahoo wants in too.
They killed Pipes!
Marc
Just like Google killed reader
Henrik
Beacon API is always better for calling home with. Otherwise AWS never gets the event data
“OK Google” amirite?!?
Marc
Isn’t that GraphQL Siri on a XSS CORS call?
Henrik
Think so. But use movable type
Or it KILLS your wifi
Marc
Movable type is built on Functional reactive Pure Script so it’s pretty much Ghost
Henrik
With JSP templates, but yeah.
LaTeX is just better anyway
Especially if you use D3 to render it
Marc
Like a mongo elastic search!
Henrik
I think I’d run that as a docker container
Marc
On a Hadoop prerendered iframe
Henrik
But behind nginx
Marc
Never before have I seen so many processors running varnish
Henrik
Deploy it with ServiceWorker though. Or you may violate the CSP.
Unless it’s MIT licensed.
Varnish is great.
Marc
They were spinning up so many Apache instances that the load balancers couldn’t stand it except for in Google Gears running in Unity
Henrik
I just wrote an Object tag yesterday that did that but using Iced CoffeeScript so Eich would digg it on HN.
He re-tweeted me on pownce the other day.
Marc
Distributed go pros are all the stack overflow credit
Henrik
Stream it with EventSource
It’s way more reliable that flash media server
Marc
Git tipped on underscore
Henrik
Don’t go all TechCrunch Disrupt on me.
Marc
Crockford and Eich designed it though
Henrik
Crowd funded hackathons?
Marc
Together as friends
Henrik
I didn’t know that
Marc
Best friends
Henrik
Crock once shipped an MS Word format for fill able PDFs
Marc
He wouldn’t apologize on his controversial white space views so they canned him in a string literal
Henrik
Was on a plane with him coming back from FunConf. He told me all about it.
Marc
He was coerced into it
+{} style
Henrik
He was not happy to see so many O'Reilly authors getting slash dotted for Angular directives.
It’s just F# anyway, right?
Plus some syntactic sugar.
Marc
Ya but clearly Microsoft wanted to use SQLlite but they shipped CSVs anyways – Easier to web inspect
Henrik
View source for evah!
Marc
Source maps is supposed to solve our code climate CommonJS modules right?
Henrik
Do they use the ADB debugging protocol for blackberry 10s browser?
Yup
Marc
Only if you browser sniff
Henrik
Works great on new relic
Just orchestrate your code by using esprima to re-write your Python
Marc
Feature test the SASS components
Henrik
That’s what django does.
Works like Mocha
(Oh man, this is the most texts I’ve sent since I first got my Nest)
Marc
Lol well cappuccino tests objectiveJ In Ember so I’m not surprised you can’t Ajax more post messages
60fps for life butter smooth requestAnimationFrame Safaris
Exactly proto is accessible on every SVG viewport
Henrik
yeah, i always extract it with restructuring assignments on my closures
Marc
Inheritance call the super method on that ES6 lodash
Henrik
ship it!
Marc
Deploy to heroku via Dropbox with a static site generating PDF
Henrik
meme-generators built with semver’ed APNGs, now that smells like a nice unicode character map
anti-aliasing always makes it look better though
that’s why i use typescript to download my web fonts progressively enhancing my UX for my users on gameboy DXes.
Marc
That’s why progressive JPGs work so well!
Henrik
that was their Promise, if you will.
but they rarely resolve at all
and they swallow errors like hapi.js when it was using domains!
Marc
Observable generators
Henrik
Object.observe(redis) I always say
or use Mutation Observers
Marc
Built with linked list dust templates
Henrik
yeah, then you can stream ‘em
works ok with SPDY but not HTTP2
subtle but important differences in frame rates if you’re on lie-fi
Marc
Lol
Henrik
i think that’s !important
oh man, i’m fading like a bad jQuery animation
good thing it has a chainable syntax
Marc
Only if you transition the cubic bezier the GsAP 3dmatrix
Henrik
translateZ hacks will help too
Marc
Just return monads
Henrik
object literal monads
textmate 2 for windows
Marc
Never use Symbols through in your Unicode
Henrik
well, yeah, but Symbol.iterator makes more sense to attach as a primitive value if you’re using something like Cocoa
Marc
My battery is going to die before we finish this lol
Henrik
i’m convinced we could do this for days, we’ve already done it for about an hour longer than i expected to, lol.
good night my friend, i’ve got a plane to catch at an ungodly hour tomorrow 😊
Marc
Dependency inject your dreams
Sorry had to do it…
So Marc Grabanski invited me to come teach a workshop the last two days for his company Frontend Masters in Minnesota.
Yesterday after the workshop we were chatting about how ridiculous tech terminology has become, and frankly, just the sheer volume of it. We jokingly had a short, seemingly plausible conversations that actually make no sense. The above was a continuation of that. This industry is commically jargony.
Follow @1marc and @HenrikJoreteg on the twitters for potentially more random nonsense, but no gurantees.